Leather Ruched Boot, $110, Urban Outfitters

These boots are why trendy is often considered a bad thing.

Buffy: OHMYGODI'MBLIND
Buffy: ICAN'TSEE
Buffy: Those boots have permanently burned out my retinas.
Buffy: If I ever see anyone on the street wearing those, I'm going to beat her ass until she apologizes for being so insolent.
Lindsey: And I'll help!
Buffy: That's right you will!

Leather Platform Boot, $125, Urban Outfitters

Think being Jack Sparrow for Halloween is a task best left to the boys? Think again! It's a feat easily accomplished with Urban Outfitter's leather platform boots. For the low, low price of just $125, too! Don't want to wait till Oct. 31st to look completely ridiculous? Go ahead and buy your pair now so you can make heads turn -- away in disgust, that is. (Also comes in a fetching red and chimney sweep black.)

Triple 5 Soul Gunner Long Jacket, $125, Urban Outfitters.

Just the other day, I was thinking, "I wonder where I can find something completely shapeless and unflattering that swooshes when I walk and makes me look like a reject from M.A.S.H.: The Musical- War Is an Ugly, Ugly Thang?"

Thank you, Urban Outfitters! I look no further.

Dolce Vita Foldover Suede Heel, Urban Outfitters, $150.

Did you ever want to put your foot into a smurf's vagina? NOW YOU CAN!!!!