Leather Ruched Boot, $110, Urban Outfitters

These boots are why trendy is often considered a bad thing.

Buffy: OHMYGODI'MBLIND
Buffy: ICAN'TSEE
Buffy: Those boots have permanently burned out my retinas.
Buffy: If I ever see anyone on the street wearing those, I'm going to beat her ass until she apologizes for being so insolent.
Lindsey: And I'll help!
Buffy: That's right you will!

Leather Platform Boot, $125, Urban Outfitters

Think being Jack Sparrow for Halloween is a task best left to the boys? Think again! It's a feat easily accomplished with Urban Outfitter's leather platform boots. For the low, low price of just $125, too! Don't want to wait till Oct. 31st to look completely ridiculous? Go ahead and buy your pair now so you can make heads turn -- away in disgust, that is. (Also comes in a fetching red and chimney sweep black.)

Triple 5 Soul Gunner Long Jacket, $125, Urban Outfitters.

Just the other day, I was thinking, "I wonder where I can find something completely shapeless and unflattering that swooshes when I walk and makes me look like a reject from M.A.S.H.: The Musical- War Is an Ugly, Ugly Thang?"

Thank you, Urban Outfitters! I look no further.

Dolce Vita Foldover Suede Heel, Urban Outfitters, $150.

Did you ever want to put your foot into a smurf's vagina? NOW YOU CAN!!!!

B'eautique black straw 'Fleur de Lis' shell tote, $77.99

"Stella!"
"What is it, Agnes?"
"I'm going to the beauty parlor! Do you want to go with me?"
"The one in South Beach?"
"Yes! Now grab your pocketbook --"
"The fancy designer one Morrie bought me off the world wide web?"
"Yes, and don't forget your matching gold loafers! They'll go great with your purse and tracksuit!"
"Ok! I'll pick you up in the Buick in half an hour!"
"Okay! Wait till you see our new plastic flamingos! They're real beauts!"

Pro-Keds Royal Storm Boots Sneakers, Ebay, $35

YES! I really need these. They're building colonies on the moon, right?

Women's Quilted Jackets, $36.50, Old Navy

"Um, hello, grandma?... Yes, it has been a while since I've visited. Yeah, I miss you too... Ah, God, I really don't want to hear about Grandpa's bowels... Yes, I know his memory is going... Yeah, ma's fine. Look, I was wondering if I could borrow some money...."

Men's Velvet Blazer, $49.50, Old Navy.

So, does Christopher Walken come with the jacket? Because, in that case, I'll buy one...

Bill Blass, what are you doing?

I'm thinking that one of two things has happened:
1) Someone has found all the dresses that my mom made for me when I was eight, or
2) Someone has found all those plaid shirts that I stole out of my dad's closet when I went through my requisite "grunge" phase in the early nineties.

Either way, there's a reason these things all went to the thrift store where somebody could purchase them for 98 cents apiece.